So I got the tattoo done yesterday with the original wording. It didn't balance nicely with the 'only' taken out so I kept it in. Here's a pic: ( Read more...Collapse )
that's it freshly done. I kinda wish the lines were closer together but meh, no going back now lol. Still space above it to get the hibiscus pattern too!
My artist kept asking if it hurt, which of course it did but I didn't mention one thing that hit me hard.
It felt EXACTLY like cutting did.
I used to cut. A lot. Never very deep. Mostly just scratches that would fade in a day or two but it was cutting nonetheless and it was to feel something, anything other than sadness or nothing.
Last Sunday night for the first time in a very long time I had the craving to cut. I had a piece of broken porcelain in my room and I sat there on the carpet running it over my wrist over and over again. It was the same sting that I felt all through high school. Then I just stopped and told myself that this wasn't me anymore. That I was a grown up and I had better ways to deal with my emotional pain.
That's when I made my post that night. I've taken several steps already in the right direction. My passport is on its way, I'm purging through things I don't need, I'm looking into driving schools specializing in nervous drivers.
The sensation I felt while having my tattoo done was a reminder that there are better ways to deal with the whirl wind that is my emotional state.
I'll never cut again because I don't want to ruin the permanent reminder that my life is important to more than just me.