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Butterfly Ishida
06 October 2012 @ 07:27 pm
I get so annoyed with sentry animals who all start shrieking when they spot predators and then all the other animals know that hunters are around.

Honestly, can't they just slink off and let someone else get eaten? Why do they have to make it so hard for the dudes who want a snack. No one asked a tiger if he wanted to be a carnivore so why do the damn monkeys make it so hard?

I just....ugh.....I get so invested in nature programming.
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Butterfly Ishida
30 September 2012 @ 05:45 pm
Mom just woke me up from a Sunday afternoon nap with wide eyes. Apparently Kuri had brought her a gift.

One that was still barely alive and he was happily batting all over her room.

He'd caught a bird and brought it in for her.

I got it out, thankfully finally dead, and took it out to the garden with Kuri very distressed with me. I (okay start laughing...) explained to him that it was very nice of him to bring Granny a gift but not in the house. Especially not in the bedrooms. I showed it to him in the garden to see it was still there for him to play with, and I, of course, took a moment to study it. At first I thought he'd gotten a baby jay but this isn't the time of year for babies. It's mostly grey with bright yellow at the base of the tail so it was fairly easy to identify in my North American Birds book (thank you Grandda circa 1992!).

Kuri had caught a cedar waxwing. I'd never seen one before!! A couple of it's tail feathers were left in my parents room so I kept though (cuz I'm like that) and cleaned up.

We're all finding this a little hilarious because, why would Kuri bring it to mom when dad was sitting in the living room and his mommy was in her room? Well yesterday mom took a moment to love on him quite too Kuri's delight which she rarely does. Soooooo he brought her a gift. My silly baby.

It was like baby Minoux again when he used to bring everything home and play wit it in front of us while we shrieked.
Current Music: amused
Butterfly Ishida
22 September 2012 @ 09:55 pm
I wound up going down for a second time cuz Jakey wanted to play racing with me again. So I went down, said hi to Megan, asked her how I was and it was all very civil.

Ended up spending the rest of the night down with the family, chatting and laughing. Well, laughing as much as I could. Norm told some hilarious story and now I have twice as much codine in me as I should have cuz my jaw is killing me ^^;;

But all in all, things were civil. Even friendly. And that's the best for Jakob. Hopefully this can and will continue. Especially since the next two weekends have large family gatherings planned (Dad's bday and Turkey Day)
Current Mood: pleasedpleased
Butterfly Ishida
22 September 2012 @ 07:29 pm
girled up and went downstairs. So Megan is there. So is my dad. She's not going to be a holy terror with him around. I went down, took my meds and started my laundry. Not even a glance. Cool beans.
Butterfly Ishida
22 September 2012 @ 06:52 pm
i love my nephew more than life, but is is REALLY nessassary that he comes over every single day of the week? What happend to no one ever getting to see him because his parents never get to see him?

irritated though cuz the whole family showed up and i desperatly need another dose of codine but my preferece to avoid Megan is stronger than my need not to be in pain right now.

childish priorities, i know....
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Say Nothing....Example
Butterfly Ishida
20 September 2012 @ 05:43 pm
If you follow me on twitter you'll have a basic idea of what I've been dealing with the past few weeks. If not, I'll give it to you brief here before I go into detail below:

I am in a LOT of pain.

I began getting what felt like tooth pain over the Labour Day weekend which made me panicy because I don't have any dental coverage and with this kind of pain I thought for sure I'd be getting shit pulled. I took a couple pain killer and ignored it but it didn't fade away like toothaches had in the past. It kept getting worse and worse.

Then I realized that despite my mouth aching, I could eat and brush my teeth okay. The inside of my mouth wasn't hurting, it was more my jaw. Also, my ear was killing me. Any loud noise and I wanted to sob. Putting anything into it (like my music earbuds) was torture. I haven't listened to music on the bus in days. The entire left side of my face felt like it had been hit by a shovel though it wasn't tender to the touch. If one spot was in contact with anything (a touch, a pillow, etc) for more than a few seconds I'd be in a lot of pain.

Mom has sinus problems and said that the pain I was describing was similar so I went to my doctor's office's urgent care centre two Sunday's ago to get checked out. He did a look over and decided it likely was my sinuses so proscribed me a nasal spray and some antibotics to clear up an infection. Fantastic. He didn't want to give me pain killers though, telling me just to stick with advil/tylonel/aleeve/etc.

Let me tell you, when it comes to this, Aleeve aleaves fuck all. Nothing really helped honestly until I started taking ES Advil every two hours. Honestly, I bought a bottle of 80 caplets two weeks ago and there's 1 pill left. My poor liver.

So I took everything including the shortest round of antibotics ever (4 days) but by the second day off everything I was right back to the mind numbing pain. I went back to the doctor yesterday and he's confused and I'm in agony. He put me on two types of pain killer (a heavy duty anti-inflamatory and codine). He also ordered xrays and a blood test.

I've been laid up in bed all day today because of the xrays. I had to open really wide, clench really tight, all these things that I've been despreatley avoiding to keep the pain to a minimum. That was at 1130 yesterday. By the time my kids started rolling in at 330 I was in a world of pain with only advil to help me out. And it wasn't working so well.

I have the codine and the anti-inflamatory now, I'm trying to avoid eatting it like candy because it hurts SO. BAD. Omg when I get pain my body means it.

I've spent most of the day in bed because being horizontal seems to help a little bit . Still have that shovel to the face feeling though. My neck is stiff and you know how at your temples you have little dips in your forehead/skull/whatever? Well I have that on my right side. Left side not at all. It's bludging a bit actually.

Got my blood test today which was unpleasent as well. Already feeling light headed from the pain killers, they're jabbing a way at me cause no one can ever find my veins. Then the blood is coming out soooooooooo slow. Funny as my pulse was feeling pretty quick. Doesn't seem to have bruised though. Yay.

So I am in a world of pain like no other. I just don't want to be sore anymore. I want to be able to laugh and sing with my kids. Fucking torment.
Current Location: in my bed
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Live While We're Young....One Direction
Butterfly Ishida
10 September 2012 @ 06:50 pm
FUCKING FINALLY!!!! Guess who finally has a connection on her person laptop again! ME!!!!!!!1

Guess who FINALLY has an internet package that can keep up with her again? ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh glorious glorious high speed I have missed you. I have been struggling along since April on a 'general use' connection then on to my parents 'we only check our email once a week' connection.

Glorious, GLORIOUS high speed!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh it's beautiful

so how is everyone?
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Butterfly Ishida
05 August 2012 @ 11:25 am
So I got the tattoo done yesterday with the original wording. It didn't balance nicely with the 'only' taken out so I kept it in. Here's a pic:
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that's it freshly done. I kinda wish the lines were closer together but meh, no going back now lol. Still space above it to get the hibiscus pattern too!

My artist kept asking if it hurt, which of course it did but I didn't mention one thing that hit me hard.

It felt EXACTLY like cutting did.

I used to cut. A lot. Never very deep. Mostly just scratches that would fade in a day or two but it was cutting nonetheless and it was to feel something, anything other than sadness or nothing.

Last Sunday night for the first time in a very long time I had the craving to cut. I had a piece of broken porcelain in my room and I sat there on the carpet running it over my wrist over and over again. It was the same sting that I felt all through high school. Then I just stopped and told myself that this wasn't me anymore. That I was a grown up and I had better ways to deal with my emotional pain.

That's when I made my post that night. I've taken several steps already in the right direction. My passport is on its way, I'm purging through things I don't need, I'm looking into driving schools specializing in nervous drivers.

The sensation I felt while having my tattoo done was a reminder that there are better ways to deal with the whirl wind that is my emotional state.

I'll never cut again because I don't want to ruin the permanent reminder that my life is important to more than just me.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: stand up....one direction
Butterfly Ishida
02 August 2012 @ 06:31 pm
I'm going for an appointment for script work on Saturday. It's a song lyric for Jakob that I'm getting done but I'm stuck on the wording I want to go with. One word makes a big difference or maybe i'm analyzing too much.

The actual lyrics are "I'm only here because you stole my heart"

but I'm thinknig of dropping the only so that it reads "I'm here because you stole my heart"

that only seems so big...like that he's the only thing in the entire world that matters. And while he IS my world, he's not my entire world.

I want to get the tattoo because from the moment I met my nephew so many of my life's plans were thrown out the window, because he absolutely stole my heart. Now that I'm getting my shit together and probably moving where I can't see him all the time (and not to mention I'm in a situation where I'll probably be denied him a lot more) I want something to remind myself why my life was on hold for so long. Because he had my heart by the strings and always will.

He, along with Kuri, really is the only reason I'm here though and not travelling the world. Or dead. Or just lost in the wind. The thought of them without me has taken me from the edge more than once.

So, does that only stay or drop it? I need help with my internal debate.

oh gods, please do yourself a favour though. Don't look up where the lyric is from. It's kinda embarrassing. I always thought my first song lyric would be Green Day or something, not a pop sensation.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Butterfly Ishida
29 July 2012 @ 10:30 pm
I am giving myself exactly one year to get my shit together.

By July 29, 2013 I will not be living with my parents. I will be driving. I will be teaching in a real classroom. And I will not be in Brampton.

I will sell all this useless garbage I hang on to for no reason. I will have me, my cat and my belongings in a car.

If I do it before a year is up, then good on me.

But I am not going to sit here and waste my life anymore.

There is so much more to me than the refresh button.

Depression and listlesness will not have me.

I haven't had all this privledge and good fortune to waste it.

Fuck you depression, anxiety, pessimistic people, abusive words and adult temper tantrums.

I'm done with you.
Current Mood: determineddetermined